Day Nine-Back to the Hospital

When you find out your pregnant, as a parent you safeguard the house. You make sure that your child is safe. You put locks on the kitchen cabinets, lock down the toilets and add bumpers to the sharp edges. When you take your child in for chemo, you have to sign a release and authorization form. Releasing the hospital from liability and permitting them to poison your child. It is like opening the kitchen cabinet you so carefully locked up, taking the tops off of everything and saying "go play, hell have a drink!" I hate signing the forms. In my head I was screaming- "no, not today." But, I know I have to sign it so I take a deep breath, let out an equally deep sigh, and sign. To quote Debra Barone "Why do I sigh?....I sigh so I don't explode!"

Today, Ella had 2 chemo drugs, a Spinal Tap, and a Bone Marrow Aspiration. She didn't get to eat until 2pm today and she was MAD! She made up a huge list of food she wanted as soon as she could eat. They had to access her port for the first time. They had to push her body to insert the needle into her chest. She cried because it was scary, but not because it hurt. She was as brave as a 20 year old. The doctor commented that she was older in her actions than in years. We got to the hospital at 9am and left at 2pm. She was nauseous all afternoon, and fell asleep around 7pm. We are waiting for the results of today's tests and one from last week to get a good marker of where she is. We are hoping that she will be a rapid responder to the chemo, which means a quicker remission.

I spoke to the nurse for a bit today. Getting her prospective on side effects and how the kids are during treatment. She thought it would only be 3 more weeks before Ella would start losing her hair. She said it would be harder on me than her. She is a "girly girl" so I dont really believe that, but we will see.

I had to ask a friend to step in and take Josh to a zoo sleepover that we scheduled months ago. He didn't seem to mind, but I did. I don't want to have to choose between my children, but I do not want either of them to miss out on their childhoods. This sucks- and it is just the beginning. I pray that we can find some balance and that Cancer doesn't take over our lives.

Our church has a small room at the side of the auditorium. This is our chapel. When I worked there I would go there to pray before I started my Sunday, or when something big happened during the week. I went there when I found out my friend had cancer, when I couldn't get through to a friend about our relationship, when I needed to clear my head. I know it is just a building, but I wish I could go there now to be in the small, silent room to pray and clear my head.

Thank you all for your prayers. There is a 2.5 mile walk in Chicago at Soldiers Field on September 11th in support of Children's Cancer. If Ella is feeling well, she and I will be walking together. If you would like to join us, please post a comment and let me know. I will post more info on facebook. The website is www.curesearch.com. I think it is $10 a person and kids are free.

Love you all. Thanks for reading this. It helps me to sort through my thoughts.