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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Tuesday August 30, 2011 1 year down, still too many days to go.

Ella August 26th, 2010
It is so hard to write this. Never in a million years did I ever think someone would tell me to hold my child down so they could put a chemo filled needle in their chest. The words "My child has Leukemia" still require me to choke back tears while at the same time I say "but, she is doing really well". I don't mean to sound un-grateful, and I'm not, but this was a hard week.  There are a million ways that I want to reflect on this past year, and they are all stuck in the middle of my chest.

This song has been with me this week as I reflect on Ella and our families journey. Gungor "Beautiful Things".

Romans 8:28 states that "all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose".  I believe that some how God will use this for good, I just can't see it yet. I am grateful that Ella is still here with us today. Tears flow as I even type this sentence. When I kiss the top of her head and tell her I love her, I say it now with more purpose that I ever did. It is so important to me to make sure she hears me and understands that I love her with everything that I am.  She is stronger than she will ever realize. Steve reflects often on the fact that she trusts us unconditionally. She has never questioned one treatment. She always does what we tell her needs to be done. She shows us unconditional trust all the time.

To celebrate we had friends and family over to enjoy some "Kickin' Cancer Butt" cake that Steve and I made. It was great to hear laughter all night and hear everyone talking. This year taught me a lot about my own friendships and the kind of people we have around us. We are so very blessed.
Ella and her "Butt" cake.

So now that I have typed out how I feel and erased it a few times, I think the best way is just to show you what Ella has been through. It is SO amazing to me that she smiles as often as she does. Since my children were a just a thought, all I prayed for was their health and happiness. She sure is a happy little Ella.

Ella starts Kindergarten in a few weeks. She isn't happy about it, but it is mostly the separation anxiety that she fears. For the past year she has had a lot of mommy time and that is about to change. We have tried to slowly get her ready for this, but it will still be hard. I have met with everyone at her school, and they have been WONDERFUL! I feel so lucky because I have heard so many stories.....but her teacher is awesome and is very familiar with ALL. I know at some point she will get sick at school, and that does scare me, but I so desperately want her to have a great school experience. Honestly, I also desperately want to have some time to myself. I feel selfish for even saying it, and I know I will miss her and worry about her, but it will be nice to not have my 5 year old attached to my leg for a part of the day.

Ella's last chemo was a little rough. She had some back pain for 2 days from her spinal and I kept her home from school. She also has a cough and stuffy nose that will not go away, but thank God- no fever.
Link to Ella's video on You tube:

Thank you for following Ella's Journey.


Friday, August 26, 2011

Thursday August 25th, 2011

Tomorrow is the official day of Ella's Leukemia diagnosis, but tonight is the night we were told our baby "most likely" had Leukemia and Ella and I spent our first night in the hospital getting a blood transfusion. I feel like I am losing my memory most times. If I don't write something down, chances are I will forget it - this I think is permanently burned into my memories.

I watch her sleep all the time. She sleeps, I cry and pray. I still ask why. I still think it is not fair. I still pray that she won't relapse or get sick.
Tomorrow we are having a party to celebrate Ella's 1 year of Kickn' Cancer's Butt. I will blog again after the party.