Day 48

Ella is having another stellar day! Playing with Grandma, trying on her new multi-colored wigs and eating well.  But, this morning when I told her Grandma and Grandpa were coming- she got sad. She has figured out that she is going to clinic if they are here. Crap.


I was messaging back and forth with my brother and he said something that has stuck with me. He said “I bet you feel like you have aged 5 years in the past month”.  Now, as a woman that is closer to 40 than 30 and enjoys reading the blog “My Formerly Hot Self”, this statement has been weighing on my mind. I realized that it has been a while since I have “Looked” at myself. If you know me, you know that it is a rare occasion that I wear make-up or don more that a barrette or pony-tail in my hair. So, when I look in the mirror- I look at my hair to make sure there aren’t too many bumps in my pony tail, or I look at a specific spot on my face, but again, I never really look at myself. I am guessing I am not the only woman out there that does this.  In my head- my face and body look like they did when I was about 28. So, looking in the mirror brings forth a sharp and painful memory that I am no longer 28 and hot.  When I was 28ish, I remember reading an article about an actress who vowed to grow old gracefully, and that she was proud of ever laugh line on her face because they showed she had lived. I aspired to be like her. You know, grow old gracefully. Not dye my hair, no Botox for me, stay “Natural”.

So, I bravely looked in the mirror.  It was hard to not just look at my hair, or glance and turn away. Why is this so hard? Does it really matter anyway? My gravestone won’t say “Katie- She aged well.” I hope it says “She loved well”. That’s it. Well, after inspection of my new gray hairs (which I have since attempted to lighten), the crazy bushes growing over my eyes, and the dark circles under them- I thought about what Ella sees when she is looking at me. The only thing she seems to notice is my eyes. She is looking to see if they are looking at her when I am telling her if it will hurt or not. She notices my arms- are they holding her tight when we snuggle. She notices my belly- that gives her a “mushy” place to rest her head. And she see’s my nose. My nose is important. She has never been a kisser- and never on the lips, but when she is coming out of anesthesia- she uses her nose to rub across my nose. Too tired to talk, but awake enough to rub noses – her way of saying “I love you mama”.

So, my new things to worry about- my eyes, my arms, my belly, and of course- my nose. Everything else can wait. My daughter sees her beautiful mama and that’s all that matters.