|Ella and Daddy|
|Ella in Recovery after her procedure.|
I know that they tell me there isn't anything I did that could have caused her to have cancer. But today, when left to my own thoughts- I retraced my pregnancy with her. Every time I had to go in to get monitored because I just knew something wasn't right, what I ate, any medications I took, were my pregnancy pants too tight, was my job too stressful for the baby? Did I do something wrong after she was born? Did I use a toxic chemical around her? Should I not have polished her nails at age 2? Should I not have been praying for God to teach me patience? And everyone has told me "This isn't anything you did, it just happened", but I am really struggling with this as an answer. I hate that I will never really know why this happened to Ella. I am trying my hardest to take a deep breath and know that God has a plan for Ella and that he will protect her. But, what if she is in the 10% that don't come out of this okay? What if the chemo doesn't keep working in her body, WHAT IF?
Day 36 sounds like a long time, but her total treatment is over 700 days. Makes 36 sound like nothing. I'm glad she is a hell of a lot stronger than I am right now.
Nighty Night. Katie