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Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Today Ella had clinic.  It was just a monthly visit where they check her counts, feel around, take her vitals and declare she is doing well and getting one month closer to "normal".  Today when we went in, Ella had a slight fever- 99.1.  The nurse asked if I took her temp before I left the house.  This rush of panic went through me.  I felt scared.  Like I had been missing something this past month.  Should I have been taking her temperature as often as I was when she was on chemo? What else did I miss? She has been complaining of back pain again, is the cancer back?  Crap.

Okay, I took a deep breath and we went into the exam room to wait for the doctor to examine Ella.  She did fine and the Dr. asked  how we were doing made some small talk, then asked if Steve and I had planned our trip to Italy yet.  I said no, she asked why.  Ella was still on the table so I was able to turn but I started crying.  I don't even know where the tears came from, they just started pooling in my eyes. I told her I just couldn't leave because I am still worried that something will happen to Ella if I leave the country.  Ahhhg.  How can I still feel this scared?  She has been off of treatment for almost 5 months, yet as her doctor was feeling the lymphoid on her neck, all I could think is that they were enlarged and she was going to turn and look at me with a concerned face and tell me she needs to run more tests.  But, she didn't.  She just kept making chit chat and taking to Ella about how much she has grown.

Seriously, when will this feeling go away?  When I stop looking at her wondering if every little ailment means something more serious is wrong. I hate feeling this way. I wish it would stop.

Ella is bummed, her ears closed up after two days without earnings.  So she will have to have them re-pierced in a few weeks.  Her cast is off and in another week she will be able to return to gymnastics class.
Ella's in here somewhere!
Last week we got lucky and had a snow storm which meant.....SNOW DAY!!!!! Friends came over and we went sledding at the side of the house and built an igloo.  Everyone had fun, it was awesome to hear the kids laughing. Afterwards we gathered in the garage for hot coco and mustache shaped cookies.  These are the days and the times I treasure.  It was a gift.  An extra day where I could listen to Josh and Ella playing together in the basement- just laughing and hanging out in their PJ's all day until I made them get dressed to go sledding.

Enjoy every unexpected minute you get with your loved ones.