Total Pageviews

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Day 36- Round 2

Ella and Daddy
Ella started her new round of Chemo today. She, daddy and grandma went to clinic this morning. It went smoothly and they were on the road right around lunch (Portillo's hot dog). She had a spinal that delivers chemo to protect her brain, IV chemo and new for this round- a chemo pill that we give to her at home. Grandpa commented tonight how our family now throws around a spinal procedure like it it no big deal- she has 3 this month. 1 down, 2 more to go. Can I tell you how much it bothers me that we have to administer drugs to her that I know are going to make her sick. It bothers me. For as much as I hate what the chemo is doing to her body- not to mention the possible long term effect, I am grateful that it is killing off the cancer.

Ella in Recovery after her procedure.

I know that they tell me there isn't anything I did that could have caused her to have cancer. But today, when left to my own thoughts- I retraced my pregnancy with her. Every time I had to go in to get monitored because I just knew something wasn't right, what I ate, any medications I took, were my pregnancy pants too tight, was my job too stressful for the baby? Did I do something wrong after she was born? Did I use a toxic chemical around her? Should I not have polished her nails at age 2?  Should I not have been praying for God to teach me patience? And everyone has told me "This isn't anything you did, it just happened", but I am really struggling with this as an answer. I hate that I will never really know why this happened to Ella. I am trying my hardest to take a deep breath and know that God has a plan for Ella and that he will protect her. But, what if she is in the 10% that don't come out of this okay? What if the chemo doesn't keep working in her body, WHAT IF?
Day 36 sounds like a long time, but her total treatment is over 700 days. Makes 36 sound like nothing. I'm glad she is a hell of a lot stronger than I am right now.

Nighty Night. Katie


  1. What If? I've asked that question many many times... you know..different case...but same pain...I think time heals and our trust in God cures it all... I'm still trying... but I have only one advice: Trust in God, He allowed it for a day we will know.
    Praying for an easy recovery during this trial and that this was just that...a trial...
    Love you Katie.. I miss seeing you all.