Day 21- My Thoughts. Beware.

Was hoping today would be a really good day for Ella. It wasn't great. She was okay in the morning, but by lunch she was really cranky because her tummy hurt, and fell asleep for 2 hours in the afternoon. She woke up crying and when I asked her what was wrong, she said she hates falling asleep, because when she wakes up her head is wet! When she sleeps now her entire body sweats. She usually wakes up completely soaked. Every try to wrangle a half sleeping child out of her PJ's and undies when they are soaking wet- then get them back on? Good times my friends, good times.
She was in a very un-consolable mood for the rest of the day. Everything seamed to set her off, and she only wanted me. This is really hard for Daddy, because when she was born, she was a total daddy's girl. The first 4 months of her life, she didn't want much to do with me- just daddy. He is really missing that right now.

I was determined to go running tonight. Josh was off at Awana's, Steve had Ella, and my plan was just to sneak down to the treadmill in the basement for an hour. I should have known better. Ella had a complete meltdown- opened the basement door and cried "MOOOOMMMMYYYY!" as loud as she could. You know this yell- the blood curdling one that makes you think they may have just lost an arm. She had that hyperventilating breathing going on and she was saying "I just want mommy!" Well, I am sitting here, still in my workout clothes. I didn't even bother to change when I ran to the store after she went to sleep- it is not a pretty look.

I ended up doing some walking/retail therapy at Target. Anyone else do this? Come on, I know your out there. First, circle the outside of all the aisles, looking at the end caps for the pretty red sign that says CLEARANCE. Hoping to find that one thing you have been looking for at a really awesome price? And, of course I did. About 15 of those somethings at a really awesome price. Kids scissors for $.20. Who can pass that up? Anyway, I ran into Ella's old babysitter. The one that watched her from 6 weeks old till 6 months while I was still working. One of the kindest biggest hearted woman I have ever met. She asked me how the kids were and I found myself in the middle of my therapy going through Ella's story. I need to come up with a gentle way of letting people know because I kinda blurted it out. Anyone know a good way to tell someone your baby has cancer? ARGH!

During one of her meltdowns tonight, I took her outside to calm down. It was such a beautiful night. I just rocked her in a chair. Talked about the breeze on her toes (that one I got from her Grandma), and listened to the birds fight over our bird bath. As I held her I thought, "I should be thanking God that I can hold her", but instead, I just cried and stroked her back. Not feeling very Sheera tonight.
Tomorrow is chemo. Carrie is coming with us tomorrow. Her color looks good, so I am hoping no blood transfusions will be needed for tomorrow, and maybe, just maybe, we will be able to make that trip to the zoo.
This shot is from yesterday, when her friend Katelyn came over for a visit.

Thinking I'll have a martini tonight, maybe 2.

Blessings,
Katie