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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Tuesday August 7th, 2012

I am just venting. I know it is only hair and it will grow back. I know there are plenty of positive things going for Ella I am just struggling with this.  Her hair is maybe 10% left.
Ella and Rachael swimming.

Today she was happy. It was take a friend to gymnastics day.  They were walking in and holding hands and she was singing.  Being a few steps ahead of me I had them wait for me at the door.  Ella stopped and looked at her reflection in the window.  I saw her physically deflate.  She stopped singing and let go of her friends hand.  She smoothed down the few pieces of thin hair that now seem to puff out- almost like they are looking for other hairs to cling to, and she just looked at me.  This is what I can't take.  I can't fix it, I can't make her not "deflate". Within 10 minutes she was fine, but it is burned into my memory that cancer sucked joy out of her today.
I know there are lots of poems that quote the things that cancer can't do. But, it is really good at making momma's feel helpless.