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Monday, May 14, 2012

Sunday May 13th- Mother's Day

Fear. I feel like I am constantly in fear of something. I know most mom's fear something for their children but when your child has cancer, I think you fear more. Are their counts low? Did that kid just cough in her face? Is she going to get sick now? Does she have a fever? Is this back pain something serious? Why is she dizzy? Why hasn't she been sick in the past few weeks- are things going "too well"? As a Christian, we learn to hand these things over to God.  "The Lord is with me- I will not fear." Psalms 118:6 Well, I feel like I am failing God most days right now, because I look at Ella and I feel fear. Fear that she won't make it to 7. Fear that her back pain is something serious. Fear that her dizziness is something serious. Before cancer, I would have figures it was something small and would pass.  Now I have to balance between feeling like a crazy mom who wants answers now and trusting that God will continue to hold my precious child in his arms.

Ella's mask for the scan and her Birthday Party Dress

Ella showing us how to stay still while having a CT Scan
We could not get the MRI, so Ella's doctor had her come in for an X-Ray.  After talking through it with her doctor, we decided to do a CT Scan instead.  So, she scheduled a CT scan for Friday.  Friday morning we get a call from the hospital.  Our insurance company will not cover one of the scan's Ella's doctor wanted to get done.  So frustrating. This is the first time we have had the insurance company not cover something. Even the insurance person from the hospital sounded so sympathetic for us when she called to tell me.  She said she has a four year old and couldn't imagine what I must be feeling.  Ella doctor scanned half the area she wanted too.  Ella was really great about the test.  She didn't eat for four hours before her procedure and she stayed really still. She wore a sleeping mask over her eyes during the test so she could pretend she was getting some "beauty rest during the scan.  Her doctor let me know this weekend that the scan came back clean, so we need to get an MRI to make sure everything is okay. Now, we have to see if they can move it up because she needs to be sedated for the procedure.  So I wait and pray that she is okay, and that our insurance won't fight us on the MRI.

Ella celebrated her 6th birthday this weekend.  She will turn 6 on Wednesday. She had a Barbie Fashion Party and invited neighborhood friends, friends from school, and Kennedy- a friend from clinic got to come too! the girls came in party dresses and we did make-up, nails, and hair.  They jumped in the bounce house, ate cake and walked the runway.  Ella had so much fun.  It was great to see her laugh and play with her friends.  She walked the runway with so much attitude- it was a little scary!  When did she make the move from "my baby" to "little girl who wants to be a teenager"? I think she changed clothes 4 times during the party.
Ella on the "Runway"

The other cool thing is that she rarely had her blankies around this weekend. She went to sleep with just one of the 5 on Saturday night.  This is such a HUGE deal.  She started to get teased at school by an older girl who told her she was carrying around a "pee pee" blanket. Gosh, this just broke my heart. How do you make a 2nd grader that she doesn't know understand that she has cancer and it just comforts her to have it near. I wish I could sit on her shoulder sometimes.  like a little guardian angel.  Then I could flutter into that little girls ear and explain.  Ahhh, but I think all mom's wish this!

Now, I get to brag about Josh for a minute.  He was in a school Talent Show a few weeks ago. He did a bow form and we were all very proud of him.  He got a letter sent home with him last weekend asking him to preform this Wednesday in another Talent Show for the school.  This one benefits the Ronald McDonald Chicagoland Charities. Ella is at Loyola, which is a Ronald McDonald Hospital. Now, we were going to say no because it is on Ella's Birthday, but Steve and I decided to talk to them and let them choose.   When we explained to them that it was for RMCH, Ella said "He has to do it to fight cancer!" and Josh said "Yes, I want to do it!".  So, this Wednesday he  will be preforming in another Talent Show.  I'm so very proud of both of them.  It is such a grown up decision to make for 6 and 8 year olds.  This one was one of my best Mother's Day gifts!


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