I tucked in Ella last night, and this is all I could think:
As I snuggle behind you my nose is tickled by your hair and all I can smell is you. Your 7 year old legs are wrapped around mine and your hand is holding me tightly to make sure that I don't escape your bed without you noticing. You go from crying to laughing with a second when I bring up something that makes you smile. And I think to myself and I don't want you to grow up. I want you to stay in this age forever so that snuggling-with me, is always the most important thing in your life. At that moment I am so grateful to God that you are still here on this earth that I have the opportunity to snuggle with you and smell your hair and wrap my arms around you and hold you and never wanna let you go. Tears of gratitude roll down cheeks and into your hair as I praise God for your life. Just sharing. Blessings~ Katie
Sunday, February 16, 2014
My Joy.
Ella is doing well. She just had her bi-monthly check up and her counts are all good! So, just sharing a fun picture of my kiddos!
I can't remember where I saw it this morning, probably Facebook, but I saw a post that said "something good always comes from bad. My first thought was to agree with that. It falls along the lines of "Everything happens for a reason". Then I wondered for the millionth time what good could come from Ella getting Cancer. Then I dismissed the thought and went back to my day. Both kids were home sick today and have Strep Throat. We had two doctor appointments scheduled and somehow I had to squeeze some work in there too.
Our first appointment was for Ella at the ENT. I was just at this doctor a few weeks ago with Josh and he is now scheduled to have his tonsils removed. So, now it was Ella's turn to see if she was next. When the doctor came in he asked Ella to hop up in the chair so he could look at her throat. In her usual cute but shy manner, she looked and me and pushed in for security. I helped her into the chair and explained to the doctor that she is a Cancer survivor and every time we are at a doctor, it makes her nervous. He was good with her and she was happy that e was only looking- no pokes. He asked me what kind of Cancer she had and how she was doing. Then he asked something that not many people do- he asked how I was. I gave the usual answer, but he kept talking about the hardship on the entire family. This dialog was something that came from someone with personal knowledge of this journey, so I asked him "Who do you know that has Cancer?". Turns out it is his son. He has a throat Cancer and he diagnosed his own son. It happened fairly recently. We talked for 15 minutes or so about how it changes your family dynamics, and not just for the treatment period, but forever. During our family trip to Florida for Thanksgiving I was listening to Josh and Ella play and Ella just started laughing. I think ever adult in the room took pause and just listened for a second. We all appreciated the fact that we still have the opportunity to enjoy her laughter. When I left I asked for his sons name and told him I would pray for him. His son is 30 and he said it didn't matter what age he was, he would always be his child.
So when I think about the reason Ella was diagnosed, I do not think I will ever really know in my lifetime. But, I do know that it does give me a unique ability to be compassionate to others who will have to go through this journey. In that sense I am now able to better equipt for serving others.
Ella has clinic this Thursday. I still get a little nervous, but I doubt that will go away- even when she is 30.
I am happy to report that the biopsy came back benign! No cancer in this momma.
I can tell you that I certainly was sweating it out yesterday, but so very grateful when I got the call.
Thank you everyone for your prayers. It means so much to our entire family!!!!
Thank you to everyone for your prayers. I am so very grateful.
I had an additional test done to verify that the bumps in my uterus are fibroids. For now we decided to leave the uterus alone. Yesterday I had surgery to remove the mass. It was located outside of my colon in the pelvis, so it is not colon cancer. The surgeon felt positive about the mass being benign , so we are just waiting for the pathology report to confirm.
I will update as soon as I find out. For now I am resting at home with my family.
Wednesday:
Originally, I wanted my very next post, to be our last. Ella will officially be out of treatment for one year on October 28th! She moves to bi-monthly appointments and her counts are back to normal. All blessings. All good things. She is a happy, smart, sweet girl and I could not be prouder of her or Josh.
But, this may not be my last post. You all know I am a sharer....is that even a word?
A few days ago I started having sharp abdominal pains on my left side. I went to urgent care one night because they were so sharp they were taking my breath away. They did a pretty through exam and concluded that I must have diverticulitis. It was explained to me as a soft spot in my colon wall where food must have gotten lodged and now there is an infection. He gave me some antibiotics and pain medication and I was ordered to see my GP the next day and to get a CT scan. So, bright and early I went to my doctor, who agreed with the Urgent Care Physician's diagnosis and I was sent for a CT scan. Meanwhile the antibiotics they gave me were making me nauseous and I was not able to keep anything- even liquids down. Also, the YUMMY 2 bottles of contrast they have you drink for the CT Scan did not help that.
Thursday:
On Thursday morning I called my doctor to get the CT Scan results and tell him I was not able to keep fluids down. I suspected the antibiotics as the culprit. At first, the nurse said he did not have my CT results yet, then I told her I couldn't drink/eat and she put me on hold. My doctor came back on to let me know he did not have the full copy of the test, but the radiologist had called him and told him there was about a 1 inch mass in my colon. He said not to worry about taking the antibiotics, and he would call me later in the day with the full radiologists report. This was at 10am, it is now 3:30pm. That has given me over 5 hours to sit and contemplate what I will do if I have colon cancer.
Friday:
So now it is Friday night. I have spoken to my doctor and I have been referred to a surgeon to have a biopsy of the mass in my colon. Mass seems like a big word for a less than 1 inch bump, so lets go with the lesser word they used- Nodule. Okay Nodule doesn't seem right either- bulge, swelling, wad, okay lets just go with bump. Along with this "Bump", I have a bunch more bumps in my "girl parts" that I have to go to my OB to have an ultra sound done. So, Monday I meet with the Surgeon and Tuesday with the OB.
So, I've been through this before. If you have followed our story, you know that one of my best friends was diagnosed with Colon Cancer at age 38. We walked down this road with her a year before Ella was diagnosed, so all of these terms and all of these procedures are way to familiar to me. I know how this goes, I know what comes next. This is not my first trip to the rodeo.
But, I'm okay. I'm not FrEaKiNg out- Yet. My mind is pretty clear. I know it will be a "wait and see" for the next week or so and I can't change that. I'm okay because my friends don't suck (I have a great support team), and God's got my back.
"He has the wheel". This is a quote from my friend Leo who passed a few months ago from stage 4 Colon Cancer that spread through his body. I went to see him before he passed and he told me he was fine with whatever happened because "God has the wheel", and he was right. I remember looking at him smiling at me and hoping I could handle something that big just like he was. I know it's not the same- I have No intention of being driven anywhere far right now, but it does help me to have a positive outlook. Well, at least for today.
So, Sunday we are going to go Celebrate Ella. Her strength, her joy, her strong will and her life. I am so excited to see the joy in her face as she gets to go on roller coasters and enjoy her first time at Six Flags. I don't have to worry about anyone coughing around her or too many germs on everything. I just get to look at my girl and smile because she is still here.
This was Ella exactly 1 year ago. Hard to believe this is her today:
Head full of red curls and she always says"Mom, I LIKE my hair CrAzY!". Still, I KNOW we are the lucky ones. Ella completed treatment. The anniversary of her diagnosis came and went this year and I didn't give it a second thought. Other parents, are not that lucky. I see them in the halls as we go for Ella's monthly check ups. I see it in their eyes. The tired smiles that are exchanged in the halls between patient rooms, with a glimmer of hope in each. I don't want any child to have to go through what my girl did. So, this year, we walk. CureSearch is the organization that designed and researched the treatments that are currently being used for Childhood Cancer.
I encourage you to walk with us if your local, or think about skipping your morning coffee and donating. Every dollar helps. This year I am on the committee for the Chicago walk and I will be the photographer again, so I will post photos. Here is the link to Ella's page if your interested. Feel free to share with your friends! We walk this Saturday. Thank you to everyone that has donated and can walk with us! We are truly blessed for your support! CureSearch~Ella
