Day 135-Clinic

Momma and Ella sitting in the chemo chair

Ella had clinic today. Her counts remain spectacular, and she had 2 chemo's today. Then she was off to Build-A-Bear for a bear and a new outfit. What am I going to do with all these stuffed animals? Anyone with a good idea on how to organize them- please let me know!

Grandma and Ella and her orange chemo

She is sound asleep now. Her little body was so tired tonight, but she just didn't want to close her eyes. I am grateful that her body is holding up so well, but I am grateful with my breath held in tightly. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for her to get really sick, or have a bad reaction. I feel like we are always on guard and fearful that something will make her sick. It is with tears in my eyes that I watch her sleep and breath and think about how strong/beautiful she is inside and out.

Forgiveness

What is it that makes others ask for forgiveness? What happens in our lives that makes us see the way did something or someone wrong in our past. Do we get hit with some lightning bolt of intelligence? Or do we just grow up? Since this has happened to Ella 3 people from my past have asked for forgiveness for things that happened years ago. I just find it interesting how this has come about. What about her pain, makes them remember pain that they have caused? The thing is, that it isn't really me they need to ask for forgiveness from, they need to forgive themselves. I understand that it is hard to forgive ourselves, sometimes we need to hear it from others so that we can get permission to forgive ourselves. If someone us will forgive us, then certainly we can forgive ourselves....right?

Forgiveness is a choice. It's not an easy one. For me it is hardest when the person I am trying to forgive isn't asking for forgiveness.  When they feel they have done nothing wrong, or that their actions/words were somehow justified. Still, I pray, and ask God to help me forgive and try to be accountable for my own shortcomings (of which there are many). We have to choose to forgive others the same way God chose to forgive us. Sometimes its just a lot harder than others! I am definately a work in progress.

Blessings~Katie