Saturday June 16th, 2012

Tonight I ran away.  I got into the van and drove to Target for orange juice.  We didn't have to have orange juice, but I needed to flee.  I could not endure the pain of seeing my child's half bald head any longer and I just needed to run away.  In the van I turn off the engine and close my eyes.  It is so quiet I can hear a ringing in my ears.  Images of Ella's head with patches of hair missing keep flashing in front of my minds eye and I can't make them stop.  Every person that looked at her today and in their head said 'Oh my God!", flashed there too. I really don't know what is worse- having cancer but having your hair and no one understanding what is going on inside of her OR having cancer and No hair and having everyone stare and imagine the worst.  I'm still in melt down mode, but Target closed so I had to come home.

She doesn't want me to take her picture, so that's why my posts don't have any.

Why is the hair part so difficult for all of us?  I think it is because you have to face it.  You can not hide from cancer when it is staring at you in the form of a child with only 1/3 of her hair. No hiding a balding head.  And it scares her.  She remembers what it was like before and she doesn't want to go through it again. I don't want to go through it again.  I feel so helpless. I'm her mom and I can't do a thing to stop the pain she is in and after spending a month trying to figure out her leg and back pain to follow that with hair loss and to not be able to help her with any of them- it is so damn frustrating. It is also extremely heart breaking.

I walked a few laps with my family at the Relay for Life last night in Huntley.  We all wore our Cancer Butt Kickers shirts and we walked for Ella, Carrie, my dad, and my aunt, but mostly to be there for friends that lost their son last year to cancer.  He might not be here any longer but his journey is still a part of them and I wanted to honor that.  When all is said and done, I know that this part sucks, but I am grateful that she is still here and fighting.  I love my little girl, I just wish I could do more.

I wish there was a cure for cancer. I wish that it was as easy as kissing it and making it all better.

Blessings~Katie