|Ella and Rachael swimming.|
Today she was happy. It was take a friend to gymnastics day. They were walking in and holding hands and she was singing. Being a few steps ahead of me I had them wait for me at the door. Ella stopped and looked at her reflection in the window. I saw her physically deflate. She stopped singing and let go of her friends hand. She smoothed down the few pieces of thin hair that now seem to puff out- almost like they are looking for other hairs to cling to, and she just looked at me. This is what I can't take. I can't fix it, I can't make her not "deflate". Within 10 minutes she was fine, but it is burned into my memory that cancer sucked joy out of her today.
I know there are lots of poems that quote the things that cancer can't do. But, it is really good at making momma's feel helpless.